Penny Pinching Panic

I try to start my day off positively because I truly believe that your attitude makes up your life. For years I let my depression, anxiety, and insecurities dig me deeper into holes I felt too weak and scared to crawl out of. It affected everything from my job performance to my relationships to my health, occasionally landing me in the hospital for severe panic attacks. My finances have been arguably my biggest Achilles heel and it's taken years of personal growth to learn, accept, and move on from my money mistakes of the past. It's a lot of work when you see the error of your ways. The work primarily comes from not being down on yourself so much about what you didn't do. I still fall into this trap every now and then, especially if I see an item of clothing I want to buy. I get mad at myself, much like I did this weekend, for wanting to add to my closet, since it's well-stocked already. Just this past Sunday I was in a tizzy about getting summer dresses since the ones I have all seem too juvenile for my approaching-thirty self. While standing in TJ Maxx with three dresses in tow, I felt my chest tightening and my eyes pulsating with pain as I struggled to suppress tears of disappointment. I felt ridiculous. I felt like screaming at myself. Almost five months had passed since I'd last made a purchase and here I was nearly passing out over three dresses that wouldn't even put me in the 3-digit dollar range.

But I could hear him echo in my ears, "It's your fault I can't live the life I want to." Biting words from a love who'd rapidly grown tired of hearing me say, "I can't. I need to save to pay down my credit cards" when suggesting anything more extravagant than a drive-thru meal. He'd look at my closet and complain, "If you hadn't spent your money on all of that then maybe we could do something together sometime instead of you saying that you can't afford to go out." It was entirely untrue, but at the same time not entirely untrue either. Spending $50 on going out to eat didn't make sense to me when I could make just as good of a meal for $10 and then have leftovers the next day. But I could see the sense of buying a sweater that I'd wear for 5 years and paying $25 for it. The only problem is, I'd rationalized that purchase about 100 times over in the 7 years before meeting my then-love. So his words cut me to the core whenever he'd make mention of my closet. I hadn't purchased much since the inauguration of our relationship, but it was something he couldn't understand and it was something he began to use against me during the disintegration of "us."

So imagine, just a few months after separating from the guy you thought was The One, having new and higher bills to pay because now it's just you paying your rent, groceries, and other typically-split expenses, and just taking the afternoon to see if there's anything new you can add to your downsized closet (since you realized upon moving after said-breakup that getting rid of some clothes wasn't a bad idea at all). You see three things you REALLY like and they actually don't resemble anything you already own, and then all you can hear is the nagging, nasally, needling voice of the person who is supposed to love you calling you irresponsible, ridiculous, sad, pointless, and superficial because you're even in a store that sells clothes. It's the last voice you want to hear when you've just wrapped up a week of working 10 extra hours so that you can build up your savings account and diminish even more of the debt that said-love ridiculed you for incurring in the first place. But that's all I could hear, and it was like it was coming from the intercom of the store. I almost cried. It was that painful of a memory.

But I thought back to the beginning of my day and how I said I was going to start it off positively...I never made the conscious decision to finish it positively too... not until that moment. I wasn't going to let my insecurities and my former flame completely stymy my spending. I've been so hard on myself these last four months, overanalyzing and underspending as much as I could without resorting to grading papers by candlelight. I've managed to save even more than I did when I was in my "cheaper" relationship and I feel a lot more relieved, responsible, and empowered. So why was I letting my past hinder me from enjoying something I have loved for years? Blame it on my mom going to design school and being the evolving fashionista for most of my formative years, but I LOVE fashion. Not just clothes, FASHION. And there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know why I felt like I needed to put this up on this blog, but I guess it's because I want other people to know that your day can start and end well, even if you panic halfway through. I made the conscious effort to start off right and in that moment it became clear to me how important it is to reassure yourself and build your own confidence constantly throughout the day, otherwise the universe will remind you of what you are trying to avoid most and you'll find yourself calculating the number of whole chickens you can buy for the price of one dress and how many meals you could make out of two whole chickens if you were to follow the Rachael Ray recipes you saved from a few months ago.

So I stood in the store, put my ish on layaway (because, really, I did want to take time to think about it when in a calmer state...sleep on it), bought the trenchcoat I originally picked up at the start of the shopping trip since my other one had become too stained and too small, and got in my car, went home, and made dinner. I called my mom and talked to her for two hours. She's better than any therapist. And she helped me end my day the way I wanted to: positively. It's okay sometimes to treat yourself to something, to cut yourself some slack, to not give 100%. Everyone needs a break.

I love Joyce Meyer and one of her book titles is one of my favorite sayings, something I ended my day with and continue to end my days with as I progress in this journey to manage my money:

"EAT THE COOKIE; BUY THE SHOES."

Cheers to an evening of a Redbox movie (hot hot hottie Ryan Gosling in "Crazy Stupid Love"), leftover Qdoba from lunch, a warm apartment, and a super comfy sofa to enjoy it all on.

*Celebrate the little things and prepare for bigger blessings*